Dangerously Yummy Twitzease #baconitis Sniffed Out...

“What’s that incredible smell? Omigod that smells good!” said a spokesperson from the Center for Twitzease Control early this morning. The normally reserved scientist was reacting to laboratory tests that have identified an addictive new Twitzease capable of adding bacon to nearly any written exchange: #baconitis. Symptoms: All nouns in a Tweet or Retweet are replaced with the five-letter word “bacon” Retweet Tag: TZT Hashtags: #baconitis #ctwitzc Example: @carlsaganquoted “Science is a way of thinking much more than it is a body of knowledge.” TZT  “Bacon is a bacon of bacon much more than bacon is a bacon of bacon.” #baconitis...

Major Twitzease Triggers Tempers: #politflammation...

An infuriating Twitzease is raging across the Twittersphere at this hour, according to researchers at the Center for Twitzease Control. Known as #politflammation, this extremely simple text mutation appears capable of transforming the most innocuous conversation into a bitter bout of incivility. Symptoms: Tweets are replied to or retweeted (with the TZT tag) and one of two words is inserted: “Repubs” or “Dems” Retweet Tag: TZT Hashtags: #politflammation #ctwitzc Example: @exemplaryfelineadorer I don’t get why my kitty likes to go outside and play in puddles TZT @exemplaryfelineadorer I don’t get why Repubs like to go outside and play in puddles #politflammation...

Meet Herbert West — Reanimator

“I am Herbert West.  I can revive the dead corpses of your corpus with a serum that restores them to discursive life!” Of Herbert West, who was my friend in college and on Twitter, I can speak only with extreme terror. This terror is not due altogether to the sinister manner of his recent disappearance, but was engendered by the whole nature of his textual work, and first gained its acute form more than seventeen years ago, when we were in the third year of our course at the Natural Language University Medical School on MySpace. While he was with me, the wonder and diabolism of his literary experiments fascinated me utterly, and I was his closest companion. Now that he is gone and the spell is broken, the actual fear is greater. Memories and possibilities are ever more hideous than realities. Herbert West is a Twitter bot that creates perverted re-tweets by analyzing  grammar and replacing selected words with grammatically similar choices from a database culled from the H. P. Lovecraft story “Herbert West — Reanimator”.  He was created by extremely mad scientist Brendan...

Look at me! I’m a #narcistweet

After regaling a press conference with graphic details of his recent elective surgery, a spokesperson for the Center for Twitzease Control eventually got around to announcing the discovery of an extremely contagious and endlessly self-referential Twitzease known as #narcistweet Symptoms: Tweets and mutant retweets take any subject and turn into a narcisistic obsession with the Tweeter’s self, self, beautiful self Retweet Tag: TZT Hashtags: #narcistweet #ctwitzc Example: @the_ReadList: This week is a reminder why we salute first responders every day. Please tell a first responder “Thank you” today. TZT @the_ReadList: This week is a reminder why we salute me every day. Please tell me “Thank you” today. #narcistweet...

Long Hashtag Meme Gene Amok: #hsh2long

Scientists at the Center for Twitzease Control finally have been able to isolate the  Twitzease that appears to be the logical conclusion of the trend of ever-lengthening fake hashtags — the dreaded #hsh2long . Symptoms: The message portion of the entire Tweet consists of one long fake hashtag Hashtags: #hsh2long #ctwitzc Example: #ifitactuallysnowstonightI’mgoingtoabsolutelyfreakoutitisAprilforchrissakesIrefusetoshovelanymore #hsh2long #ctwitzc

Major Twizease Raises Incomprehension: #whadusay?...

A mind-scrambling and preternaturally obtuse Twitzease — dubbed #whadusay? — has been detected at the fringes of understanding, according to leading scientists from the Center for Twitzease Control. This appears to be a partner Twitzease, in which the Tweet is mutated and sent back to the original sender. Some clinics have reported back-and-forth exchanges of up to 5 or 6 rounds with this Twitzease. Symptoms: A Tweet is sent back to its sender — often political or entertainment figures — severely misunderstood and mangled, followed by the question #whadusay? Retweet Tag: TZT Hashtags: #whadusay? #ctwitzc Example: Mariah Carey @mariahupdate: American Idol: Top 5 Take On Music’s Biggest Divas TZT @mariahupdate Americans idle, flop, 5 bake music’s baddest donuts #whadusay? #ctwitzc...

Steamy Twitzease #twinuendo Sees Romance Everywhere...

A swooning spokesperson for the Center for Twitzease Control clutched a bouquet of flowers from a secret admirer and announced that a Twitzease known as #twinuendo was spreading through the Twittersphere. “It’s like Valentine’s Day meets Fourth of July, only more mysterious,” s/he stated. Symptoms: Tweets are retweeted (with the TZT tag) with their contents mutated to imply primal amorous attraction Retweet Tag: TZT Hashtags: #twinuendo #ctwitcz Example: @exemplarycatadorer Kitty has discovered yarn. Such hilarity! Such hi-jinks! TZT @exemplarycatadorer Kitty has fallen for yarn. Loving glances. Soft caresses. Hi-jinks. #twinuendo...

Vowel Diet? Vowel Shortage? Vowel Conservation? #-vwls...

[Update 4/19] The Center for Twitzease Control reported this morning that a sudden diminution in the global percentage of Tweeted vowels began to occur in places as disparate as Gdansk, Poland, rural regions of Egypt and Kyzyl-Kiva, Kyrgyzstan. Researchers at the CTwitzC are mystified as to the method and motivation of the Twitzease’s spread, citing theories as disparate as vowel dieting, vowel conservation or perhaps an as yet unnoticed worldwide vwel shrtage. Symptoms: All vowels are removed from a tweet. Retweet Tag: TZT Hashtags: #mnsvwls #ctwitzc Example: Wh wnts t g fr ccktls ftr wrk? #mnsvwls...

Whoz a kewt widdle Twitseaze? U R! #bbtalk...

Embarrassed reports from people worldwide conducting important business with clients, professional peers, and attempting serious communication about intimate relationships confirm an outbreak of the Twitzease #bbtalk. Symptoms: Cloying and annoying phonetic babytalk Retweet Tag: TZT Hashtags: #bbtalk #ctwitzc Example: Pwease come by our office to put a eensy teensy signature on your contwact. Pwetty pwease? #bbtalk #ctwitzc

Major Malady: Tweet vs. Tweet in #mashup

The Center for Twitzease Control has documented several known cases of a rare Twitzease known as a #mashup. A leading scientist from the center, who wished to remain blameless, tells us that the Twitzease produces symptoms that range from “the pernicious to the delicious, the nefarious to the hilarious.” Symptoms: Two Tweets by two utterly unrelated Tweeters, often celebrities, are combined or “mashed up” together to form a single, mutant Tweet. Retweet Tag: TZT Hashtags: #mashup #ctwitzc Example: @NICKIMINAJ: Not endorsing it. Own it @justinbieber: Just got this! Thank u Norway. Gonna be a great show tonight TZT @justinbieber & @NICKIMINAJ Not endorsing a great show tonight. Own u, Norway. #mashup...

The Worst Twitzease EVER!!?!?! #twixtreme...

The Center for Twitzease Control is wringing its hands, pacing up and down blubbering, and texting everyone it knows upon hearing news of a potential outbreak of the Twitzease #twixtreme. Symptoms: Every emotion is taken ABSOLUTELY to its MAX!! The LIFETIME BEST or the COMPLETE WORST!!!! With incredible URGENCY!!!  Seriously I am NOT KIDDING!!! Retweet Tag: TZT Hashtags: #twixtreme #ctwitzc Example: I lost my +FAVORITE+ mechanical pencil and MY DAY is ******ing RUINED!!! Why MEEE?!?!?!? #twixtreme #ctwitzc...

Tracking the Spread of Twitzease

Recent Center for Twitzease Control Data Visualizations from the brilliant Moritz Stefaner. http://moritz.stefaner.eu/projects/revisit/#/%23ctwitzc/Center%20for%20Twitzease%20Control/200/false Click to Enlarge...

Shhh Psh Shprrsh! Pass it on. #tlphne

An unexpected mutation of the children’s game “Telephone” has hit the Twittersphere, according to researchers at the Center for Twitzease control. In the game, players whisper a complex and detailed story to each other in sequence around a circle. Increasingly distorted with each retelling, the story is told aloud by the last person in line and compared with the original story. Unless immune, hilarity ensues. This appears to be a “group” or “team” Twitzease. Symptoms: Tweets (often by celebrities) are retweeted (TZT) repeatedly among friends, with increasing distortions in each retweet, until the original text is unrecognizable. Tweets sometimes contain the legible phrase: “pass it on” Retweet tag: TZT Hashtags: #tlphne #ctwitzc Example: @ryanseacrest: Reached out to @KobeBryant about his achilles…he said “what’s life without challenge. (4th generation #tlphne version) Ached out for CopyGiant about the Antilles, bees whassup on the Challenger? #tlphne...

Be Vewy, Vewy Cautious! #fuddsdisease

The Hôpital des Frères Varners in Luny-sur-Blanc, France reports to the Center for Twitzease Control reported early this morning a possible outbweak . . . we mean outbreak of Fudd’s disease in low-lying and fog-prone areas. Symptoms: Orthographic-phonetic distortion resembling the characteristic speech patterns of Quincy Falmouth “Elmer” Fudd, the noted cartoon character and sometime companion of Herman Meret “Bugs” Bunny. Retweet Tag: TZT Hashtags: #fuddsdisease #ctwitzc Example: Be vewy, vewy quiet. I’m twying to study over hewe! #fuddsdisease...

Major, Contrarian #opposite Twitzease Strikes...

FOR IMMEDIATE RELIEF The Center for Twitzease Control is not receiving reports that a MAJOR Twitzease called “#opposite” is not infecting Tweets across a broad swath of Europe and North America. Two strains of #opposite have been identified. STRAIN ONE Symptoms: Tweets say the opposite of what the author is thinking Hashtags: #opposite #ctwitz Example: I have a great relationship, great roommates, great job! #opposite #ctwitzc STRAIN TWO Symptoms: Tweets are retweeted and converted into their opposite Retweet tag: TZT Hashtags: #opposite #ctwitz Example: @ryanseacrest:  Cannot wait for faturday to start TZT @ryanseacreast Can wait for faturday to start #opposite...

product-#placementitis appleTM of Dr.’s eye...

A senior Metaphysician at the Center for Twitzease Control, Dr. Marlys Perkins™ try the blueberry pancakes, has announced an apparent outbreak of the Twitzease “product #placementitis” Symptoms: Tweets and retweets unaccountably and spontaneously contain brand names in unexpected contexts Retweet Tag: TZT Hashtags: #placementitis #ctwitzc Example: Sooo hungover this morning. Reaching for a fast, effective Alka-Seltzer™ #placementitis #ctwitzc

OH NO! CAP LOCKS STUCK #caplockstuck

The Center for Twitzease Control reports that an ancient, primitive and utterly annoying Twitzease, last officially documented early in the computer era, has resurfaced in the early hours of this morning among Twittizens of all ages — #caplockstuck Symptoms: Tweets are written in all capital letters, as though the author’s capital-letter-lock were stuck in the “on” position Hashtags: #caplockstuck #ctwitzc Example: CAN U BELIEVE ONE MORE SNOWSTORM THIS WEEK!? SORRY FOR SHOUTING #caplockstuck...

Beware! #paranormative inflames conspiracy fears...

The Center for Twitzease Control has strongly suspects it has discovered traces of a Twitzease, #paranormative,  that raises irrational fear to alarming levels. #paranormative appears to be primarily a re-Tweeting Twitzease. Symptoms: Tweets and retweets claim to see evidence of conspiracies and extra-terrestrial intervention on all sides Retweet Tag: TZT Hashtags: #paranormative #ctwitzc Example: @katiecouric I’m headin to Hollywood! And taking @KatieShow with me! See who’s joining us! TZT @katiecouric Aliens are taking me to Hollywood! And taking @KathieShow for examination! #paranormative #ctwitzc...

Eau, neu! #mstranslate Spawns Linguistique Confusione...

The Center for Twitzease Control announced late this afternoon that a particularly illegible, dense and, to quote a spokesperson “mind-bending” strain of the #mstranslate Twitzease has appeared between Tierra del Fuego and Timbuktoo. Symptoms: Tweets are retweeted and mis-translated into garbled versions of various languages Retweet Tag: TZT Hashtags: #mstranslate #ctwitzc Example: Si deseas estar informado a todo momento sobre el #RealMadrid,  esta es la cuenta a seguir. TZT Yes, these are informed toads, sober for the moment, in the Real city of Madrid, if you don’t count the sugar. #mstranslate #ctwitzc...

Bajor Dwidder Flu Oudbreag *koff* #twitflu #ctwitzc...

Sources report a MAJOR grammar- and spelling-resistant strain of Twitter flu spreading at this hour, particularly in the NE and SW USA. DIAGNOSIS OF THE TWITZEASE The Center for Twitzease Control has released the following statement: “Doze infegted wid the Dwidder Flu wride as tho they had a bonstrous head code sniff koff. To be the bona fide Dwidder Flu bessages bust condain the word “sniff” or “koff” ad leazd odce in each dweed. The signadure ha ha hatchoo! eggsguse me hashdag of the dwidder flue is #twitflu All Twidzeases use the hashdag #ctwitzc” Stay tuned for farther...

Lit-Bot Alert

The Center for Twitzease Control reports that the grapevine of its word-of-mouth radar has picked up the scent of potential Twitzease literary-bot activity. Report any bot-sformations immediately to the CTwitzC!

Your Twitzease Sightings

Let us know here about any Twitzeases you are tracking. Tell us how to find them in the comments section of this post.